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He doesn’t read.

It’s not that he isn’t smart. He is, but he’s not educated, and he’s not curious. He wants to talk about how we’re adding on to the house, and all the decisions that go along with that, and, “When we retire, do you want to buy a Winnebago?” I want to talk about global warming. It’s about conversation and—I hate to say it—intellect. Our conversations about anything are pretty short.

 He’s a very good husband in terms of sharing household responsibilities. He does laundry, he helps cook, he’ll do all the normal, manly outdoor chores. He’s a loving dad. We don’t argue. He’s someone I truly admire and think of as a wonderful person, but I don’t think we are right for each other.

We’ve been married for seven years. If I’m truthful, I had some doubts when we were dating. Then a close friend of mine died. That trauma made me question what I wanted in life, and this man cared for me and adored me. I was going for something I thought was good for me. He’s offered me stability, both emotionally and practically, in buying a house and having money. Now I feel stable but uncreative.

I want him to have his own life, to be interested in things outside of me and our child. He has a few interests, and he’s trying to develop them, but he doesn’t have a lot of friends, so he’s needy and dependent. He says, “If you’re happy, then I will be happy.” There’s a weird pressure in that statement. It’s selfish: I have to be happy so that he can be happy. It doesn’t matter if I’m happy for me.

And, okay, can I tell you this? We haven’t kissed in a long time, other than just a peck on the lips: “See you tonight.” When we physically do the deed, it takes care of the basic needs, but I don’t feel passionate about it. It’s that lack of creativity and imagination. If I found him to be a stimulating person, perhaps I could kindle more passion.

 This idea of leaving him has been in my head for a couple of years. There was no event between the two of us. I think it started with me. I worry that he’d be so angry that he’d somehow try to keep me from my child. But I am naively hopeful that this would be amicable. I am concerned about money, but we’ve worked really hard to be in this place with our finances. I have these weird thoughts, like, We’ve hired an architect, and in April, we’re supposed to start adding on to the house. If something’s going to change, I don’t want to be in the middle of that process, spending all that money. And then, just recently, I had an affair.

The man was someone I had met and known and been attracted to. He’s smart in ways my husband isn’t. I’d never thought about acting on those feelings, but I was away from home and a big group of us went out for cocktails. I had the chance and a few drinks. I was curious. I wanted to know, If I slept with someone else, would it be a big deal?

It was the best f--king sex I’ve had in years. This man touched me in places I never let my husband touch me anymore. It was sweaty and passionate and awesome. It wasn’t just the sex; it was that the person I was with, I wanted to be with. The experience has made me feel like perhaps there are other people in the world I would be compatible with. But I would leave my husband for myself, not for another man.

 And yet I don’t know if it has pushed me toward one decision or another. I’m back in my normal life, where I don’t know how to broach the subject of “Are we happy?” I need to find a way to tell him I’m not happy and ask if he’s willing to try some counseling. But I feel like I already know. I would hope having a counselor sitting there would make it easier for me to say, “This just isn’t working for me. And I’m leaving.”
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